My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
