so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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