while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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