Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need to calm my uterus...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
