it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize