Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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