im drinking this country out of the recession.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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