he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
