i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
