I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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