You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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