Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
