when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
