Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
