i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?