forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist