I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
