A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
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Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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