last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
