i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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