On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
