why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
