I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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