ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
