I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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