Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
