So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
