So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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