You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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