stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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