Ambien. No doubt about it.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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