when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
