Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
