First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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