Only a mothe r could love this liver
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
