Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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