just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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