I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.