Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
