one might say we're banned from that church
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
