i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
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He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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