You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
