apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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