Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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