Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
