I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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