Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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