Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
