I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
