my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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