When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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