ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
