My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
