Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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