cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
